


in the tide of her breathing

by sayyestothesweats



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Religious Discussion, Sickfic, Trans Character, trans girl madison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 08:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6898459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sayyestothesweats/pseuds/sayyestothesweats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Madison is sick, again. She and Thomas work through some of her insecurities.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in the tide of her breathing

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Cherry Wine by Hozier, which has approximately no relationship to this story.
> 
> I'm picturing this Madison with Okieriete Onaodowan’s features but roughly historical Madison size, which is only relevant because I seriously doubt Jefferson works out enough to be able to carry Oak with one arm.
> 
> She goes by her last name because changing your name, even casually, is _hard_ , and it works well enough for her.

Standing up after her philosophy class, Madison rocked back on her feet, hit by a wave of lightheadedness. She briefly regretted skipping breakfast and lunch, but her appetite was currently about as strong as her blood-sugar levels--an improvement, at least the nausea had subsided. Her arms were blisteringly warm to the touch, but she wished she had a jacket all the same. This morning it had seemed like a sure giveaway that she was feeling off, and she could take a hard pass on her classmate’s pity, but ten hours later she’s a bit less concerned with her pride. 

Shivering, she makes her way into the bookstore and grabs the blandest cough drops she can find, grateful the cashier is no one she recognizes. She buys the most calorie-dense Naked juice they sell, justifying to herself that four dollars is the food-stamp daily budget, and if it’s all she eats today--all she can eat--she’ll get better quicker than if she didn’t splurge. 

Her breath is catching in her throat by the time she makes it back to her dorm room, and as the door shuts behind her she lets herself exhale raggedly, lets tears pool in her eyes. She keeps the lights off and blinds drawn, and winces as she pulls her jeans off, the skin of her thighs hypersensitive to the rough slid of denim. There’s no roommate to maintain decency for, but she forces herself to dress in her softest t-shirt and flannel pants anyways, trying to convince herself she’s not that sick. 

She plugs her phone in and sets an alarm for the morning--thankfully, she’d finished all the homework for her Thursday classes earlier in the week, so she can afford to go to bed before eight. She sips her juice slowly, shaking with each swallow as her body is chilled from within. 

Her phone pings, and she considers ignoring it but can’t think of an excuse she could give in the morning other than “my entire body hurt and I generally didn’t want to talk,” so she picks it up with a sigh. 

**sin twin *winky face emoji x3*** madi?? you’re not at dinner, you okay?  


**sin twin *winky face emoji x3*** i mean oc you don’t have to spend every minute w me but i haven’t seen you all day, and aaron and theo are on my ass abt checking up on you lmao  


**madi** i’m good  


**madi** we’re literally dating. you don’t have to pretend it’s aaron’s fault you’re acting like a concerned boyfriend  


**madi** also you’re not allowed to keep changing your name in my contacts we’ve been over this how many times  


**thomas <3** but you always pick something boring *sad face emoji*  


**madi** 1\. i like actually knowing who is texting me so yes, i’m using your real name, 2. i have an actual twin so this is confusing and incestrous, 3. i resent the implication that im a sin(ner)  


**madi** if further explanation is required, ask hamilton

Madison rubbed her temples and looked at her phone with a growing sense of dread. It wasn’t Thomas’s fault she was so irritable, and she’d basically just shot her chance at going right to sleep, and why would he want to keep dating a snappish, sickly--

 **Barron urr** Thomas just left the dining hall looking really concerned, is everything all right?  


**madi** did he really change all my contact names. why must he be like this. what do you want your name to be in my phone?  


**Barron urr** That doesn’t answer my question, but I’m rather partial to my own name, without modification  


**madi** solid. and i just sort of snapped at him, i’ll see if i can apologize  


**Aaron Burr** Okay, I hope it all works out. Theo and I missed you at dinner :(  


**madi** sorry, didn’t feel up to crowds  


**Aaron Burr** Hope you feel better tomorrow, we love you (:

Madison felt tears gathering in the corners of her eyes--and of course this was one of the times where being sick made her exceptionally emotional, why did she have to get weepy as her response to everything--when she heard a hesitant knock on her door.

“Madi? You in there?” Thomas asked uncertainly. Wiping roughly at her eyes, she stumbled out of bed and cracked the door open. She squinted against the fluorescent light, and he shifted on his feet, “I brought you soup?”

She blinked in confusion, and managed, after a moment, to ask “You’re not mad?” which triggered another coughing fit. Brows pinched together, Thomas scooped her up in one arm and kicked her door shut behind him as he carried her over to her bed. He propped her up on her pillows and sat down beside her, pulling the sheets over her legs.

Thomas opened the thermos, “Here, it’s cream of mushroom. Try and drink some, please.” Madison slowly began taking little sips, wincing as she swallowed. “Of course I’m not mad, although telling me to give Hamilton an opportunity to drag me? Harsh, Madi, didn’t know you had it in you.” She stared at him with a perfectly neutral expression. “Okay, and in all seriousness I was only thinking of puns when I changed my contact, you know I’m not into incest.”

Madi sighed and placed the thermos between her thighs, “I’m not sure why you’re apologizing when I’m the one who snapped at you, but if we’re going to have this conversation let’s do it properly.” She paused to breathe, holding a finger up when Thomas opened his mouth to speak, “So I’m sorry I lashed out--”

“Madi, that wasn’t even close to lashing out, you’re usually pretty chill so I was worried but you’re allowed to be irritable sometimes--okay I’ll stop talking,” Thomas interjected only to be silenced by his girlfriend’s glare.

“So I’m sorry I was snappish about it, but I’ve heard you throwing around ‘sinner’ a lot recently, especially about Hamilton and his datemates, and I mean I’ve known you long enough that I shouldn’t be worrying about every fluctuation in your speech patterns, but language does reflect beliefs,--”

“Breathe, Madi. Here,” Thomas handed her a box of tissues and stared at her poster of cloud classifications while she blew her nose. Still looking resolutely at the wall, he asked, “If that’s green, we’re going to get you to the clinic first thing tomorrow morning.” 

Madi threw the tissue away quickly, “It’s just a flu, nothing they can do except tell me to sleep and stay hydrated.”

“But if it’s a more serious infection--we’ll worry about this in the morning. So you’re worried that what, I actually think you’re a sinner?”

“No, well, I know you’ve basically left the Episcopalian church, but you grew up there, and it’s not like I actually care what God thinks, and anyways aren’t all humans inherently sinful,--”

“Madi, please, slow down. Drink some more soup, then you can talk.”

She glared at him and gulped down a regular sized swallow, trying not to break eye contact as her throat ached in protest. She began to speak, but Thomas cut her off, “Beyond what I’ve seen you eat just now and about a tablespoon of this,” he held up her Naked juice for emphasis, “have you had anything at all to eat today?”

Madison glared at him. “Anyways. Philosophical views on sin and the LGBT plus community, go.”

Thomas sat up, turning so he could look at her directly. “Madi. You know I’m joking, people have started using ‘gay’ and ‘sin’ as synonyms in a positive way as a response to how religion treats gay people,--”

“Yeah, straight people have. And I’m not gay, Thomas.” 

He frowned slightly, “Okay, if it really bothers you that much I guess I can stop saying it,”

Madison sighed and rubbed her face, “Why does it have to be such a trial for you to not imply that me and most of the people I care about are immoral and hell-bound?”

“So that’s what you’re actually upset about!” Thomas smiled triumphantly, and it took all of Madison’s self control not to splash soup all over his offensively expensive shirt. “I know you try not to believe in God at all, but I do, and every part of His creation is a testimony to His perfection,” He grabbed her hand and laced their fingers together, “and you’re no exception. You can make morally questionable decisions, like your friendship with Alexander--”

“You’re friends with him too, stop denying it,”

“--but there is nothing, absolutely nothing, even slightly wrong with who you are.”

Madison squirmed a bit under his intense gaze, and briefly wondered if she’d ever get used to the force of his undivided attention, “I’m sure my doctors would disagree,”

Thomas sighed in exasperation, “So your health is basically always compromised, that’s not a moral shortcoming.”

“Yeah.” Her soup was almost room-temperature, making it marginally easier to swallow, “It means I can’t go on hormones, though,”

Thomas settled back in by her side and hugged her to his chest, “And you know I don’t mind, you’re a brilliant, beautiful woman and you’ve got plenty of people who support you, Aaron and Theo and Dolley and--” Madi tuned him out, letting tears slowly drip onto his shirt. He pushed his fingers into her short, tightly curled hair and ran his nails across her scalp. She could feel her heartbeat slowing, and her eyes started drifting shut.

Pushing off her boyfriend’s ribs, she reached for another tissue. After blowing her nose, trying in vain to avoid further aggravating the red, raw skin she apologized, “I’m sorry you had to waste an hour dealing with my illness-induced weepiness, but thanks for the soup. I’m about to fall asleep, so, goodnight,” 

“Can you sleep if I work on my homework here?” 

Madison frowned, “Yeah? You’d get more work done and I could be sick in peace if you left, though,”

“Great, I’ll work on my paper for bio ethics.” He rummaged through his bag and plugged his laptop into the power outlet on Madison’s desktop lamp.

“That wasn’t an invitation to stay,”

He kissed her hair, “I’ll leave when I see you’re sleeping soundly, okay?”

Rolling her eyes, Madison adjusted the pillows so her head would be elevated and pulled the sheets up to her chin, making a point of turning her back to Thomas. She fell asleep to the sound of his fingers racing across the keyboard, exhausted and aching all over but grudgingly thankful for the warmth Thomas brought to her bed and heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Jefferson and Madison were both deists, and there is no evidence of religious conviction in Madison's adult life (he was raised Presbyterian). Jefferson had a pronounced dislike for organized religion (at one point he tried to ban clergy from holding public office), but the moral teachings of Jesus appealed to him. Biographers write that his God "was the Creator of the universe … all the evidences of nature testified to His perfection; and man could rely on the harmony and beneficence of His work." (source: wikipedia), but he literally cut out all mentions of miracles and superstition from Jesus's teachings and pasted the rest of it into a private devotional. The Federalists tried to paint him as an atheist in 1800, and he had to do some PR salvaging as president to convince everyone that yes, he actually was a Christian.


End file.
